The Absolute Worst CES Tech We have Seen within the Final 25 Years

CES 2023 is over, and collectively we have seen our share of each strange units at this 12 months’s present, however… largely bizarre. 

Flying vehicles and obscure robots are so outdated hat now, and so I puzzled if CES might do something much less sensible and much more utterly bonkers. Seems it could! Over the previous 20-plus years, I’ve seen devices so stupefying that generally they exist purely as a result of journalists like me will write about them. However it is time to name out the actually terrible ones, the worst of the worst. Vacuum sneakers, rest room paper robots, MP3 weapon holsters, it is your time to shine!

Essentially the most attention-grabbing half about this rogues gallery is that a few of these merchandise — the Pepe pet dryer, the HapiFork and the Hushme, to call a number of — are nonetheless being bought at present. That is proper: You blew it up, you maniacs!

Dyson Zone Air-Purifying Headphones

Not technically a CES product, as this was introduced throughout 2022, however Dyson was demonstrating the Zone headphones in Las Vegas throughout CES 2023. Although the Zone seems prefer it ought to be a COVID masks, that is sadly not what it does. In line with the Dyson web site, growth on the Zone started manner again in 2016 as a private air filter — for air pollution, primarily — and as such, it was by no means designed to guard in opposition to COVID. Moreover, one critic has claimed the gadget’s force-driven followers might even assist maximize your chances of catching coronavirus. CNET’s Katie Collins, who tried it out at Dyson’s HQ within the UK, thought it was “too good and weird to disregard.”

Learn extra: Dyson Zone Air Filtering Headphones on Sale in January for $949

Charmin Rollbot

Pc peripherals producer Razer is the king of making “take a look at me” merchandise particularly for CES, however rest room tissue model Charmin turned infamous for this 2020 entry. That is proper, within the 12 months that noticed the mass panic shopping for of bathroom paper got here a robotic that would carry you much more! Coincidence? Sure… most likely. The RollBot was by no means going to be an actual product, however we beloved/loathed it anyway.

Learn extra: These Charmin Robots Make Us Marvel: Is Pooping the Subsequent Tech Frontier?

Kolibree Sensible Toothbrush

Bear in mind once we needed to wash our fingers for 20 seconds by singing songs to ourselves? The identical methodology additionally applies to brushing your tooth, however why must you use your individual mind and lips like a sucker? There have been many sensible toothbrushes through the years, however at present I am choosing on the Kolibree. The whole lot was simply wonderful till the arrival of “the world’s first linked electrical toothbrush.” Completely satisfied birthday to you, blissful birthday to you… 

Learn extra: Kolibree’s Linked Toothbrush Goals for Higher Dental Well being

Taser MP3 Holster

Again within the 2000s, the iPod turned such a cultural phenomenon that each firm rushed to create an MP3 participant of its personal. This culminated in what is among the dumbest CES merchandise in current reminiscence: the Tazer MP3 holster. Think about attempting to not solely cost your holster but in addition join it through USB to your laptop to fill it up with 1GB of tunes.

Learn extra: What Each Taser Wants: A Music-Taking part in Holster

Pepe Pet Dryer

Wish to discover a new solution to make your small canine or cat hate you ceaselessly? Lock them in a dice jail for 25 minutes (!) and topic them to gusts of scorching air. This mixture torture system/dryer would have set you again $660, or you may simply throw a towel over your moist canine like a standard human. 

Learn extra: At CES 2019, a $660 Sauna Will Give Your Canine the Blow Dry of His Life

HapiFork

All through historical past, there have been so many devices designed to restrict regular human habits, however this one takes the (pan)cake. The HapiFork is yet one more vibrating gadget that tells you to eat your meals slower (over 20 minutes), with the thought being that you’re much less prone to overeat. Personally, I wolf my very own meals down like I am in jail, so do your worst, HapiFork. I will eat with my fingers if I’ve to! You are not the boss of me!

Learn extra: Bolting Your Meals? Put On the Brakes With HapiFork

Hushme

The Hushme is actually a “dumb” product — it is designed to make its person mute to different folks within the instant neighborhood. It was pitched as being helpful in workplaces, however… if a co-worker gave me considered one of these, they’d higher be sporting vacuum sneakers, so as to clear up the gleefully stomped-on bits.

Learn extra: Hushme Could Be the Weirdest, But Most Helpful Wi-fi Headphones Ever Created

Belty

The unique Belty was a prototype sensible belt with a motor in it that adjusted itself as to if you simply ate or have been sitting down. Impractical as hell, however sort of cool? Whereas there’s a newer mannequin, additionally known as Belty, this one is even weirder — there is no auto-sizing, however it does have an influence financial institution charger within the buckle. OK, two issues. Not solely do I not desire a probably unstable compound close to my nethers, I do not wish to join a collection of units there both. 

Learn extra: Meet Belty, the Ridiculous however Unusually Widespread Present-Stealer of CES Unveiled

Xybernaut Poma

First proven off at CES 1998, the Hitachi Xybernaut wearable laptop was a horrible thought lengthy earlier than Google Glass was even a gleam in Babak Parviz’s eye. The Home windows CE-based Xybernaut Poma provided a 128MHz RISC processor and 32MB of RAM for the low worth of $1,499, plus it strapped to your arm and your face and your belt! 

Learn extra: Hitachi Fashioning Wearable PCs

Denso Vacuum Footwear

Footwear. You put on ’em. They put on out, you purchase extra. However that is not thrilling now, is it? They want issues in them — telephones, rockets, rollers and… vacuums? There are such a lot of puns I might make about even simply the title of the Denso Vacuum Footwear, however the truth that they existed in any respect was the largest joke of all.

Learn extra: Vacuum Cleaner Footwear Present Up at CES As a result of Why Not